Hollywood's Kitchen

Hello there-

     Now I know, I know, we all want to make a movie.  But who has the time?  With all the publicity and tanning and a sheer lack of talent it's becoming more and more difficult these days to churn out something the American public is going to want to see.  So, in an effort to heal this wound, I have created a few fool-proof recipes for creating the ultimate movie.  Bon apetit!

The Sports Cocktail

     Nothing says box-office draw like a sumptuous sports tale.  You will need:

-1 down on his luck coach who has, because of past events, allowed his incredible coaching skills to lie dormant-  If you cannot find this coach, a coach who is incredibly sure of himself will do in a pinch- especially if the coach is a woman.

-9-12 unlikely team players.  They should all hate each other, but each have a talent which makes them stand out.  The talent should, preferably, have little to do with the sport they play.  This will allow them to ferment into a well-rounded individual.

-1 coach and team which is labeled the best at whatever sport it is that is being played.  This team must be unspeakably evil enough to be noticed, yet generic enough that we don't get attached to any of them.

-1 wisecracking sports announcer.

-1 naysayer who is constantly making things difficult for the unlikely team.

-A stadium full of fans who, for some reason, pay attention to the crappy team the movie is chronicling.

-A dash of inspirational rock music.

-A liberal helping of gratuitous slow motion plays.

-A romantic interest.  Preferably for the coach of the rag-tag team.

-A sport

     Most people think that the sport is the most important part of this dish but, actually, the sport is the least important.  It can be something as popular as football- but it can just as is easily be something as lame as swimming!

Summer-time Blockbuster Surprise

      This dish and summer are synonymous.

-1 crappy director who seems to consistently get work

-1-25 well known actors.

-A cocky black guy.  Preferably on his way home to see his wife and kids before the disaster strikes.

-1 unnecessary suicide/sacrifice made for the good of the journey.

-A heaping tablespoon of puns.

-1 wisecracking sidekick.

-Between 1 and 3 precocious children who, through their naivete, seem to know a little more about life than they should.

-A menace which basically encapsulates whatever everyone seems to be afraid of at that moment in time.

-200 million pounds of explosives.

    People always ask me "Why is this recipe called Summer-time Blockbuster surprise?  What's the surprise?"  and I always answer "well, that depends."  It's a surprise that this crap keeps getting made for one AND if you pay money to see it, the surprise is even greater!

Oscar Bisque

     A sure fire way to taste an Oscar!

-1 male handicapped person OR 1 extremely attractive female made up to look extremely ugly.

-An Inspirational journey- usually set to Peter Gabriel music.

-1 wisecracking friend.

-Acting really hard- the more the better!

-3 gallons of tears.

     I have never heard a complaint about this one!  It's a sure fire crowd pleaser!