The Velvet Penguin

Get Your Priorities Straight America

    So you're wondering why America is considered a ridiculous country by the rest of the world and you want to know what kind of monsters would rather blow themselves to smithereens rather than be in a society like America.  Now, I'm not for suicide bombers, I think that's crazy, but here's a few stories in the news to make you think...

Bush Vetoed Health-Care Bill

Why?  Well mainly because it would require that cigarettes be taxed 61 cents more per pack, inevitably raising the price of cigarettes AND would allow four person families making $61,000 yearly to get the health care break-  the argument is that most families in America make that or below so the health-care would become too close to socialized health-care.

   Now, I'm no math wizard, but I know I make a little more than 1/2 of that a year and I'm freaking broke.  So I don't see how a family of four can live on $61,000 in the first place.  Now, I know what you're going to say wise righty- "Well Alex, if you didn't spend all your money on Bill Blass shoes for your grass-roots fund-raisers and Michael Moore movies you'd have the money to pay your bills."  Well, news flash, I don't ever go to the movies because I can't afford it and I haven't bought a new piece of clothing in months.  All my money goes to car payments and college loan repayments and my sky-high, non-rent-controlled apartment and the 160 dollars a month you fat-cat oil tycoons charge for gasoline so I can get to work to make the pittance I require to give right back to you (usually before I even earn it).  I DON'T have a mortgage and I DON'T have 2 kids requiring constant care during this flu season so I can't even begin to fathom how the argument that a family of four making $61,000 a year should be paying for their health insurance makes any sense in the first place.  Essentially what is being said is Bush would rather keep it cheaper to kill yourself than cure yourself.  Way to go braniac.

Suing Santa Monica OK

Yesterday it was decided that victims of the 2003 tragedy in which an elderly man lost control of his vehicle and plowed into numerous people at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market can now sue the City of Santa Monica for damages.

    I'm all for people paying for their mistakes but c'mon.  Lawyer Gregory Moreno is quoted as saying: "This was an accident waiting to happen."  So basically, Mr. Moreno, what your saying is that now the city should be held responsible for crazy old guys who happen to be passing through the neighborhood and can't see a million people right in front of them?  Why stop there?  I mean if the city should be responsible for completely random acts of violence which no one could ever predict, why not represent victims of earthquakes under the assumption that cities should be able to predict those too?  And where is that money going to come from Mr. Moreno?  How about all the citizens and victims of the tragedy who live in Santa Monica?  Did you get your law degree out of a cracker-jack box?  Don't you know that when you sue a city the taxpayers of that city pay for it?  And those suing: I know a terrible tragedy has befallen you, of which you will never recover.  But suing your friends and neighbors is not the answer.  You may think you are attacking a city, but who is that city comprised of?

Judge Removes Britney Spears Visitation Rights

    Today Judge Scott Gordon revoked all visitation rights for Britney Spears.  Britney has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and perhaps has not been a model citizen when it comes to raising her kids.

     Why stand up for Britney Spears?  I mean she's kind of a wreck and she clearly likes to party.  I mean what 20 something in their right mind would want to do that?  Oh wait, all of them...  Now the fact that she does have a responsibility to her children does complicate things and I am all for demanding she live up to those responsibilities.  However, Judge Gordon, don't you think you're going too far?  Drug and alcohol tests once a week?  Having a monitor present when she visits the children?  Judge Gordon, have you ever been a parent?  My guess is no because if you were you would know that an occasional drink now and again does not make you an unfit parent and constant monitoring doesn't make for quality family time.  And I'm pretty sure tearing children away from their mother permanently because she smokes too many cigarettes and has made a few young mistakes is going to damage them far worse than being around that.  Did you get your law degree from E-Entertainment?  C'mon, these kids are already going to be totally screwed up because of the ridiculous life they were born into, do you really need to make it worse?  If you had half a brain in that judicious melon of yours you would clearly see that there are greater emotional issues that are at the root of this troubled mouseketeer and instead of making a pointless national example of her (of which all the gun-toting, beer-swilling, negligent parents everywhere could care less about save it's interesting to read about in People magazine) try and help the poor girl.  She's had a Mickey Mouse childhood and a smothering show-biz mom.  Of course she's going to be fucked up and desperately looking to reclaim some lost experiences of freedom- she's never had it.  But maybe, with a little guidance from a wise old man of the court, she could experience those wonderful things along with her kids and maybe, just maybe, Hollywood wouldn't have to deal with another screwed up show-biz kid from a broken home.

   America: Maybe the reason greed, callousness, and corruption is synonymous with outsider's thoughts about America is because, far too often, America is consumed by greed, callousness, and corruption...   In the immortal words of one of America's greatest actresses (you voted to give the Oscar Hollywood, not me):  "Snap out of it!"

Why I Support the Final Episode of The Sopranos

     So, if you're like me, you spent the last 2 minutes of the Sopranos on edge and were left only to wonder if your TiVO somehow cut off the resolution of the final episode last night.  Once you found out that that was, indeed, the end, you felt somewhat confused...

   Now, it is a day later and I have been thinking about this series finale quite a bit.  Many are disappointed, but me, I have decided it is exactly the ending which the Sopranos needed.  Mainly, in my opinion, because of David Chase's expert ability to crystallize these characters we have followed in each, respective, final tableaux.  I begin:

Paulie:  As Tony and Paulie have their final meeting in the episode, Paulie expounds on his superstitions and his disgust over a small orange cat Tony has taken a shine to.  In the end, though, Paulie buckles under the weight of Tony and concedes to take over a business his gut tells him will get him killed.  As Tony leaves the cat appears and sits right next to a perturbed Paulie.  In this moment we see the life Paulie is trapped by:  he will always be forced to endure that which he detests only because he doesn't have the personal strength to rise above it.

Junior:  He doesn't even remember who he was or what his relationship is with Tony.  He is left alone in the cheap prison Tony has decided he should remain.  In a few words:  clueless and unhappy, convinced everyone is out to get him.

Silvio:  Shot up and in the hospital he sits silently (though, he is unconscious) as Tony holds his hand.  A true encapsulation of the kind of man Silvio has been and the kind of man he will continue to be.  Quiet, there for Tony when he is needed but, overall, staying out of it. 

The Soprano Family:  As the final moments occur, they come together haphazardly.  AJ is happy again, but we wonder: for how long?  Carmela sits with her standard and forced content demeanor. Meadow frustratedly tries to fit into a parking space (perhaps a simple metaphor for "fitting in" in general). 

Tony:  Our anti-hero looks about and we are filled with dread that he may, at any moment, be destroyed by one of the many people who keep entering the restaurant.  But this is not Tony's destiny and in the last second as Meadow races to the door and we see Tony hear the jingle of the door to the restaurant, yet don't see who enters, cut to black, we can realize exactly what is in store for Tony.  What Tony sees at that door is irrelevant because it is what we understand must be going through Tony's mind that holds the key to Tony's true nature.  What we know in that moment is that Tony is crystallized as one who never knows who will come through a door to meet him- it may be friend, it may be a foe.  What makes this even worse is, in the life Tony has, a friend may be a foe and vice-versa.  Tony will forever be a man who is plagued by this reality. 

   So back to my initial point about the empty feeling you may have had when watching this final few seconds.  I believe that is exactly the point.  The life these characters lead is in a limbo of emptiness.  We have shared their moments of happiness and we have shared their moments of pain but, in the end, whether we like it or not, each of these characters is trapped in an empty place from which they will never escape.   

   If I have but one complaint about the final moments it is the music choice.  I think "Don't Stop Believing" is a bit cliche and though we get it- though these characters are trapped they still hope for something better- the music, for me, sort of hit me a little too hard over the head and didn't match the void of the scene it accompanied.

Hollywood's Kitchen

Hello there-

     Now I know, I know, we all want to make a movie.  But who has the time?  With all the publicity and tanning and a sheer lack of talent it's becoming more and more difficult these days to churn out something the American public is going to want to see.  So, in an effort to heal this wound, I have created a few fool-proof recipes for creating the ultimate movie.  Bon apetit!

The Sports Cocktail

     Nothing says box-office draw like a sumptuous sports tale.  You will need:

-1 down on his luck coach who has, because of past events, allowed his incredible coaching skills to lie dormant-  If you cannot find this coach, a coach who is incredibly sure of himself will do in a pinch- especially if the coach is a woman.

-9-12 unlikely team players.  They should all hate each other, but each have a talent which makes them stand out.  The talent should, preferably, have little to do with the sport they play.  This will allow them to ferment into a well-rounded individual.

-1 coach and team which is labeled the best at whatever sport it is that is being played.  This team must be unspeakably evil enough to be noticed, yet generic enough that we don't get attached to any of them.

-1 wisecracking sports announcer.

-1 naysayer who is constantly making things difficult for the unlikely team.

-A stadium full of fans who, for some reason, pay attention to the crappy team the movie is chronicling.

-A dash of inspirational rock music.

-A liberal helping of gratuitous slow motion plays.

-A romantic interest.  Preferably for the coach of the rag-tag team.

-A sport

     Most people think that the sport is the most important part of this dish but, actually, the sport is the least important.  It can be something as popular as football- but it can just as is easily be something as lame as swimming!

Summer-time Blockbuster Surprise

      This dish and summer are synonymous.

-1 crappy director who seems to consistently get work

-1-25 well known actors.

-A cocky black guy.  Preferably on his way home to see his wife and kids before the disaster strikes.

-1 unnecessary suicide/sacrifice made for the good of the journey.

-A heaping tablespoon of puns.

-1 wisecracking sidekick.

-Between 1 and 3 precocious children who, through their naivete, seem to know a little more about life than they should.

-A menace which basically encapsulates whatever everyone seems to be afraid of at that moment in time.

-200 million pounds of explosives.

    People always ask me "Why is this recipe called Summer-time Blockbuster surprise?  What's the surprise?"  and I always answer "well, that depends."  It's a surprise that this crap keeps getting made for one AND if you pay money to see it, the surprise is even greater!

Oscar Bisque

     A sure fire way to taste an Oscar!

-1 male handicapped person OR 1 extremely attractive female made up to look extremely ugly.

-An Inspirational journey- usually set to Peter Gabriel music.

-1 wisecracking friend.

-Acting really hard- the more the better!

-3 gallons of tears.

     I have never heard a complaint about this one!  It's a sure fire crowd pleaser!

School Too Boring?

     So, all over the US, schools are devising new ways to instruct the youth of America.  The problem being, or so they say, that drop outs have increased of late citing the reason that school is just too boring.

     I thought about this and I have come to a conclusion.  Of course kids will say it's boring!  And they will always say this no matter what the changes the school system makes.  The fact of the matter is no class is ever going to be able to compete with the new Playstation game or some good old fashioned beach-time.  School is equated with a lack of fun because math and science are, to most people, not just children, boring.  Plus, they all revolve around work- and why work when the beach is free?

     I don't think trying to make school more "fun" is going to solve and problems because kids who aren't interested in biology, will never be interested in biology.  Of course, I think it is invaluable for teachers to work hard to show students why they love the topic they have chosen to educate people on- this is probably one of the only ways children will ever know how important a chosen profession can be. 

    However, it is equally as important for parents to get off their ass and stop allowing their children to be taught by MTV and the WB.  Modern American TV is full of glorified negative images as well as imagery projected at the speed of light.  Why read Tom Sawyer when it can be shown to you in 1/10th the time in a TV show?  Parents need to restrict television viewing and instill the value that nothing good ever comes of waiting around for something good to happen.  You must work hard if you are going to get anywhere.  Not only that, but encourage children to explore different kinds of careers AND if you, the parent, are unhappy with your lot in life because you have a job you hate, inspire your children to seek a job they enjoy so they don't end up like you.

     America is a place full of lazy people who feel entitled to just about anything this world has to offer.  I am not against people having things, but I say if you want everything you better damn well be ready to work your ass off to get it.  It's true that work can be fun, but it's not going to be fun all the time- anyone who strives for that end is an idiot.  If you're lucky you can have a job that you enjoy doing enough that the work doesn't seem so bad.  And any parent who blames a school for causing their child to drop out on the basis that the school wasn't interesting enough should take a look in the mirror. 

     Wake up America!  There's no such thing as a free ride.  Stop thinking you deserve things and start earning them.  You are correct in assuming you have the right to an good education.  But the idea that you have the right to an "entertaining" education?  There's a reason why teachers work at schools and clowns work under a giant pinstriped tent.   

To the Woman or Black Man Who Would Be President

Dear Would-Be Presidents-

    I was very dismayed yesterday when I read that now Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are beginning smear campaigns against each other in their respective bids for the White House.  Everyone seems to be concerned about the lack of voter turnout in this country, but no one has equated this way of conducting business with the reason no one in this country votes or cares about who's running.

    As a young voter let me tell you that nothing disconnects me more from politics than two politicians spending their time pointing out the other's faults instead of getting to the issues which they believe are detrimental to the growth and prosperity of the country they wish to govern.  Let's face it, it is one thing to call some one out if they personally slaughtered an Orphanage full of babies.  But let's be honest- when was the last time a political candidate was that crooked?  The fact of the matter is, every politician is not going to be telling the entire truth because they have to appeal to a large amount of people if they want to win.  So, instead of saying they are "for" abortion, they instead say something like "I am seeking a path which will satisfy those parties invested in this highly sensitive issue."  This is not necessarily a lie, per say, until their snarky competition turns it into one by telling everyone "hey, this person is anti-whatever and they've been lying to you."  The race then becomes a war of he-said she-said and the reason to vote for either candidate becomes less and less clear.  Oh, and the rebuttal that your opposition should "stick to the issues" doesn't mean anything if you are just saying it to criticize their way of conducting business- in this way you are no better than them!

     This current vicious cycle has two consequences.  The first is it suggests that no one can ever tell the real truth because the truth in a presidential race is the same as a coffin.  By keeping their true feelings about hot button issues to themselves, the candidate is allowed some wiggle room in case the political tide turns on them in one way or another.  Second, it creates an atmosphere which disenchants those involved in voting because when everyone is accusing everyone of lying, a voter will just assume everyone is a liar and not vote for anyone.

     So here are my suggestions:

First, stop the smear campaigns.  I think a pledge to do this will allow for a lot more honesty.  From this point, people can decide whether or not the REAL values of a candidate are in line with their own. 

Second, if you really love this country and you want to see it prosper, then you will support your fellow Americans running because you are both striving for the same thing.  If they have a good idea, don't disagree with it to make yourself stand out, say "hey, I agree completely or, hey this is a good idea, but I would like to address it in this way which I believe will be more effective."  I think people will be far more inclined to trust you if you are willing to admit those around you are capable of having good ideas-  after all, we do want a President, especially now, who will listen to the voices of the billions of other people who live in this democracy.

Third, stop basing your platform on the bi-partisan system's respective collective, generic, identities.  For too long people have labeled Republicans as bastards and democrats as tree-huggers.  The fact of the matter is both parties have diverse thinking individuals who are committed to doing what they think is best for the country they love.  They should be allowed to think independently of some hard and fast rules invented by historical stereotyping without being labeled as some independent weirdo.

Lastly, stop letting religion dictate how your platform is compiled.  There is a reason church and state are separated- this is because the democratic Government is expressly interested in the prosperity of all of it's citizens in LIFE, whereas religion is expressly concerned with those IN it's religion and the AFTERLIFE.  This is not to say that religion's aims don't, at certain points, parallel the government's.  So, at most, let Religion inform your campaign rather than dictate it because the values of all religions are founded on a basic compassion for humanity, which I am sure you can agree with. But don't say you are anti-abortion just because you are a Republican and you fear the wrath of the majority of conservative Christians.  Jesus was a man who was accepting of everyone and profoundly believed a man could make a difference when he was called upon.  Some Christians seem to have forgotten that somewhere along the line.

I know, I know.  You're going to say "that's easy for you to say" and you will accuse me of being a malcontent who is incapable of seeing that this is the way the system works so I want to live outside it.  This is not the case though. I am not suggesting we obliterate the system, merely re-tune it.  I am doing my part and suggesting that a change should be made- now, as the people who represent the people, I believe it is your job to take an active part in re-imagining how politicians interact with each other.  You are the only ones who have the power to do it.  As American citizens we are all terrified of being led astray and, perhaps, this is the reason why the system works the way it does.  But when everyone is mud-slinging, then it ultimately becomes a decision of who is going to lead us astray the least.  This mentality, I believe, is cultivating an America characterized by suspicion and causing countries around the world to be equally infected by this particular brand of poison. 

     You want to be the President?  It is the President's job to inspire the people to better themselves and those around them AND lead by example.  What you are currently teaching is "trust no one" and I am pretty sure this is not your intention.  Take that first step.  You were brave enough to do it when you were a kid, and look at you now.  You're walking around everyday like it was nothing at all.

"Porno Pitch" Revisited

Yo-

   Awhile back Marty wrote a sketch about two fast talking Porno salesmen trying to get their stuffy boss to agree to make a new porno movie with shit in it.  It was called "Porno Pitch."  At one point in the sketch one of the guys pulls out a sign listing other shit-filled porno movies and their monetary success to stregthen the salesmens' case.  It had all kinds of great titles including:

The Lion Shits in the Wardrobe

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Shit

Rumour Has It...There's Shit in this Movie

  I had been thinking about these hilarious titles last night with Louise and we came up with a few new ones which I think are pretty darn hilarious:

Shitting Poppins

Big Shit in Little China

Shitless in Seattle

You've Got Shit

MiShit Impossible

What Shit May Come

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

   Pretty funny!  If you think of a good one- let me know.  I'm always up for a cheap laugh!

Brandy's True Form

Everyone:

   It almost killed me, but I got it.  Behold!  Brandy's True Form!

A Word From the Cat

Dear "President" Bush-

     I was reading that you are going to "admit" you should have sent additional troops into Iraq last year and ask the American public tonight to forgive you for making such an egregious error.  As I understand it, you are hoping to deploy an additional 21,500 troops and are seeking American support to keep Iraq from plunging into total anarchy.

    Now, let me tell you, as one sadistic son of a bitch to another, "give up already!"  Your little game is really starting to piss me off because you're making us tyrants look like we're totally incapable of getting the job done.  If you can't blow up Iraq already then get over yourself.  Your Daddy couldn't do it and neither can you.  The reality is you're just a little bitch who's too afraid to get the job done because you're too afraid of your masses who, by the way, were stupid enough to vote for you and stupid enough to go to war for you but, unfortunately, not stupid enough to fall for your latest mission of mercy to liberate all those people in Iraq who hate America.  Now, even though they've finally figured it out, you can thank your lucky stars that this country is full of chickens just like you who are too yellow to just get rid of your ineffective ass already and you are able to go on with this charade.  If you're lucky you might be able to escape without having to kill yourself. 

    I think I'm a pretty good judge of character and I think I can sniff out my own kind.  Let's face it, you've certainly killed more American troops than 9/11 terrorists did.  You keep sending Americans into a country that doesn't want us there and the more that die, the more you send.  It seems like a good plan to rally the idiotic patriot Americans to your side while at the same time scaring the tree-hugging liberals into thinking you're the only one that can protect them.  I won't fault you for the rehashed plans you stole from Adolf Hitler and the Nazis but I will fault you for not finishing this thing already.  Don't you see?  Your masses are catching on you idiot!  Americans especially are only interested in tyrants who are able to win wars for them quickly.  Now FDR, he was a great tyrant!     

       Now I will admit, the so-called "illegal" photos of Saddam's hanging were pretty slick.  After all, you can't keep a flock of morons in line if they have any reason to believe you haven't gotten rid of the cause of their unrest.  A cell phone here, a "leaked" image there and viola!  But, let's face it, you didn't come up with this one did you?  It reeks of some intern who stopped giving you a blow-job for five seconds to coach you on a little thing we real tyrants call "propaganda."  But the thing is that intern (who, for all we know, probably is Saddam himself safely nestled away in your pussy arms while your flock looks on as a cheap imitation get hanged via Boost mobile) failed to realize in all of his worldly travels is that propaganda is supposed to brainwash your soft-brained flock.  Dumb-ass. 

     You know, a lot of people say you're like a monkey.  But I'm not going to say that.  You can teach monkeys to do shit whereas, with you, apparently you just don't learn.  If anyone is a monkey it's all those Americans who haven't stood up to you.  But you know as well as I do that they're all finally catching on and eventually one of them will grow some balls.  Not you though. And to say you are as smart as a monkey would be insulting that monkey because eventually even they can learn the difference between shit and shinola. 

     Let me spell it out for you.  Your work as a tyrant is shit and as a result you are going to end up with shinola.  You're a failure as a tyrant and, as a force to be reckoned with, you're a joke.  I know it, the Iraqi's know it, and your wife knows it.  Why don't you do the same thing every other lackluster middle-aged pussy does and go buy a god-damned motorcycle already and hand the reigns over to someone who really knows how to cause damage.  There are plenty of qualified psychos in this country. 

    After all, the one thing we real tyrants know is: What good is it winning the war if you have to kill all your minions to do it?               

                                                                                        -Brandy

And that's what the holidays are all about, Charlie Brown

      So it is that holiday time again.  This time of year distresses me immensely for many reasons, the most important of these being that it seems that for all the coca-cola polar bear commercials Americans still can't seem to embody the holiday spirit.  That is to say, Americans are still self-serving jerks who get all pissy because they have to subject themselves to the idea that their personal gratification is not immediate. 

     Now before I expound any further, I want to make it clear, this post is in no way trying to hide behind my usual mask of bitter sarcasm.  I believe everything I am writing/ every question I am asking to be honest and not exaggerated merely to provoke "a rise."

     That being said...  It is usually understood in American Dogma that the holiday season is a time to reflect on the good things happening in one's life and to try and transfer the sense of that appreciation on to others within your community and beyond.  So, why do Americans feel that this idea means they can be unflinchingly cruel to those around them using the defense that the other person, the person who is not catering to them, is "not in the holiday spirit"?  Why does a time in which giving should be the focal point still ultimately about getting? 

     I have been thinking about this a lot lately because, admittedly, I have been dealing with a large amount of people who I believe at their core are, year-round, selfish pricks.  I only partially blame them for this because they are probably just missing something psychologically which tells them they don't have to try so hard or that chip in their brain which reminds them, from time to time, that they are not that important.  These aren't the kind of people who are greedy with money either- those people bother me too, but these people are the people who selfishly treat other people's time and energy as if it were some sort of commercial good there for them to exploit. 

    I have been greatly troubled by this reality for two reasons.  One because, at this point in my life, it seems unfathomable to me that someone would take advantage of someone else's good nature and two, I see in these greedy individuals all my own exploitative endeavors from days gone by (Perhaps this very post is some lame attempt on my part to seek a kind of penance for the wrongs I've committed).

    My immediate reaction to this kind of behavior was, as you might imagine, an immediate spewing of venom and aggression towards the so-called "guilty party."  As you may (or may not) imagine this fury has worn me down quite substantially at this point- mainly because I couldn't understand how my negative behavior wasn't changing the way the offender was behaving.  Why didn't the guilty party see they were causing me pain and, in turn, succumb to my will, or at least bend a little? 

     And then this morning it hit me (for you it probably happened immediately when when reading the hypocrisy of my thinking in the last paragraph)-  The holidays are a time in which I should not expect that people are going to be blindly nice to me, but rather a time when I should forgive them for being cruel or selfish because I, deep down, always want them to do the same thing for me.  Bullying them into being nice doesn't work and being sarcastic and cold basically reinforces the very idea I am at odds with in the first place.  The old saying "treat people the way you yourself would like to be treated" comes to mind. 

    But it's more than just knowing this, I think.  Ultimately, anyone can be cruel and anyone can be "inspired" to do good.  It's easy.  But to be kind in the face of cruelty?  To inspire others rather than to rest on your inspiration?  To look another human being in the eye and say "I'm listening"?  That's tough.

     So the next time I see someone yelling about having to wait in line for too long for his hot chocolate at Starbucks, instead of rolling my eyes at his impatience, I'm going to ask him if he would like to go ahead of me.  My hot chocolate will surely taste all the sweeter and, more importantly, so will his.         

   I think, perhaps, that is what the holiday season is all about.

    

                                                                                              -VP

Why a Pie in the Face is the Greatest Joke of All Time

      If any of you people know me, you know that I have always found the "Pie in the face" joke to be truly hilarious. 

    Now, I know what you are saying:  "That joke's a stupid cliche."  You are right about this being a cliche.  However, behind this cliche is a truth which has been along as long as people have been on the earth.  That is:  No matter who you are, when a pie hits you in the face you have immediately been humbled. 

   Sure, you might say the banana peel slip or a simple trip does something similar but a pie to the face must be initiated by another person and therein lies it's genius.  Whether it be a servant who hits another servant in the face or whether it be that same servant who hits his master in the face, either way a power shift between two people has occurred in the most immediate of ways.  The receiver of said coconut custard cream pie has been made aware of his or her inability to realize that they are not impervious to the influences of the people which surround them and that they must be held accountable for their thoughts and actions.  And there is nothing more satisfying than a fool realizing he's a fool.

     If you think about great moments in comedy, they all will lead back to this same joke.  Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd did it constantly, only their Banana Cream Pie was a double barrel shotgun.  Indiana Jones and that scimitar wielding crazy person in Raiders of the Lost Arc- a man with great skill, thus great pomp, is immediately humbled by Indiana's less classy pistol.  Or what about the guy who is reluctant to go in the water, yet somehow winds up being dragged behind a boat going at top speed on a single water-ski?  It's all the same joke! 

    Now you might say that a kick to the crotch is a better version of this joke, but you'd be wrong.  The reason?  A pie to the face doesn't discriminate between male and female.  A wealthy female dowager getting plugged with a pie is just as telling as some male gorilla from the slums.  A kick to the crotch can only focus on one gender thus can never reach the same level of truth that the pie can.

    So, I think it is time we started respecting the Pie to the face again because it is, in my opinion, a crystallization of everything that is funny.  It exposes the constant that no matter how important we think we are, any shmoe with a pie can put us in our place with one single splat.

                                                                                                                -VP